Mid-March Musings
It’s been a while, blah blah blah. I’m sorry. Truth be told, this time, I’ve had time but have been struggling with what to say, really with what to do. Not that things have been horrible lately. Quite the contrary. We are abundantly blessed, I must say. Roof over our heads, food on the table (a bit too much at times really. Both D and I have put on too much “Winter weight”) and D has a job. I have a job too, but I feel rather inadequate at it these days. All I have to do is keep house, cook, get an agent audition and get acting work. It’s not that difficult and I know it. But I have been finding myself unable to do any of these things. Not because of health, at least physical. I can only describe what I have been fighting, tooth and nail has been a mild depression. Thank God for Vitamin D and an understanding husband.
Every morning, I wake with great ambitions only to have them evaporate when I turn on the TV or sit in front of the computer. Days that I decide “I will be productive or bust…into tears” I accomplish one minor goal and have to fall in bed due to exhaustion. Then the guilt.
My Grandmother would never have stood for this. She would wake up at 6AM every morning, make her bed, stretch, make breakfast for all in the house, do the dishes, sweep the house in the span of two hours and at the age of 87 wonder why she was so tired as she “hadn’t done anything”.
I did book a commercial last month which made up for my three months of inactivity financially. But I have to break this cycle. I don’t want to be a drain on my husband and if we plan on having kids (we do) then I can’t be a lazy and/or depressed Momma. I also want to succeed as an actress and you don’t get work without a lot of hustling and hard work.
Here’s my plan to break out of this deplorable behavior:
-See the doctor
-Exercise 6 days a week
-Eat better
-pray more
-volunteer
-get back into background work (gross I know, but once we pay off debt, so much better off.)
-Just do it. I’m going to plan and schedule and organize myself silly so that I get into good habits…you know being an adult. (At 32 it’s about time, eh?)
-Be more grateful for the blessings that I have, because they are so many
-Focus on doing special things for my incredible husband, because he deserves an equally incredible wife.
I don’t write for pity. I write, I suppose asking for accountability. I don’t want to exchange anymore days of my life for absolutely nothing.
Thanks for reading. I hope you are well. Stay motivated and grateful!
E
